In his 1936 book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People", which is now one of the best-selling books of all time, Dale Carnegie said: "I have come to the conclusion that there is only one method under heaven to get the best of a dispute – and that is to avoid it. It's best to avoid it like rattlesnakes and earthquakes."
This aversion to debates is widespread, but it stems from a misunderstanding of arguments that has serious implications for our personal and social life — and misses the objective of arguing entirely.
Of course, if arguments were fights, Carnegie would be right. Verbal conflicts, like physical confrontations, can result in bloodshed on both sides. Even if you win, you will not be any better off. If disagreements were merely competitions, like boxing matches, your chances would be almost as bad.
Opponents throw punches at each other until just one of competitors emerges the winner, either by points, or by knockout. Whether one wins convincingly or not, the other one is left with resentment. Such is the nature of fights—or arguments and debates for that matter. In a fight, there are casualties on both sides.
This is why so many people attempt to avoid fights, especially when it comes to politics or religion.
1. Know Your Turf
The biblical king David never fought the battle in Goliath's turf. He avoided that like the plague. He avoided the traditional methods of war—even avoided the traditional combat gear like the spear, sword, the helmet, the shield, and combat clothing, saying it was too heavy for him—that it would hinder his movements.
Instead, he chose simple implements like five smooth stones and a sling, and wore simple light clothes.
2. Study Your Opponent
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” — Sun Tzu, The Art of War
The key to winning any argument is to know the strengths and weaknesses of your opponent. What do they stand for? What about their beliefs and values?
You can easily win any argument against your opponent by understanding and appealing to their higher values. You can exploit their weaknesses by turning their arguments back on them.
3. Be like an Eagle
The eagle never fights the snake on it's turf. It prefers an ambush; After snatching the snake, it lifts it up into the sky and changes the battleground, and then releases it from the sky to fall hard on the ground.
On the ground, the snake is powerful, lethal, agile, and subtle. In the air, it has little stamina, fragile, and weak, and has no power or balance.
The eagle's greatest advantages are its exceptional eye vision, raw speed, and agility. Attacking speed is even more crucial. It doesn't matter if the snake is swift or poisonous.
Aiming at it from several miles up in the sky, the eagle makes no mistakes. One mistake could mean instant death for the eagle.
Taking the snake by complete surprise, using its razor-sharp talons, and powerful legs, the eagle strikes the snake very fast, at its most vulnerable part, mostly around the neck and the body. It's an ambush. The snake tries to writhe around and struggle, but its efforts are futile.
As the eagle flies high into the sky, it continues tearing at the snake’s body several times using its sharp beak until the snake is completely paralyzed. At this point, the snake is helpless because it can’t even turn around.
The eagle continues it’s upward flight into the sky, until at some point, it feels safe to suddenly release the snake to fall hard on the ground from the sky. And before the snake even knows what happened, the eagle snatches it again and lifts it to a very high place. The snake is still unconscious as it's being eaten. It never even knows what ate it…
Take a lesson from the eagle. Don't fight the opponent in his/her turf. Change the battleground like the eagle and fight the battle high in the sky like an eagle. You'll be assured of a clean victory.
An eagle never fights the opponent on its turf where the opponent has the greatest advantage. That’s how it's able to capture, maim, kill and eat some of the most deadly snakes in the world, including cobras, black mambas, and fish.
4. Maintain A Strong Composure
If you are sure of yourself, maintain your strong composure, discipline, and confidence. If you're anything like me, you'd rather avoid fighting at all costs. But if it's something you must do and truly believe in, and find it important to defend, then go ahead, stand firm and defend your course.
Allowing emotions to enter the equation can be perceived as a sign of weakness, and your opponent is probably proud of their rationality. Do not become enraged or desperate. Instead, approach the situation with a level mind and a composed posture.
5. Support Your Arguments with Proof/Evidence
It's critical to have solid evidence for each claim you make. So that I don't forget what I want to talk about, I compile a mental list of everything that can support my assertion. It will be difficult for your competitor to break you down once you've established a solid defensive.
6. Separate Facts from Fiction
You'll need every ounce of strength you can muster. Facts are powerful and indisputable. I always politely request proof from the other team. They'll back down if they can't back up their allegation with evidence like you did.
7. Choose Your Battles Carefully
If there isn't a fix and the issue is minor, simply drop it. Skip the debate and focus on issues that will have an impact on your life. I could fight all day about who is the best Kardashian, but convincing someone that Kylie is the best would have no impact on my life.
8. Avoid Sarcasm
Sarcasm may be nasty and demeaning. When you think your opponent is being stupid, it's all too tempting to offer a snarky remark, but stay away from those sassy remarks, which may make any dispute much worse. Consider taking the high road.
9. Consider Your Opponent's Point of View
Although it's difficult to acknowledge your opponent's point of view, your opponent may be correct at times.
Consider their point of view. Is it possible that what they're saying is true? If you go to the dark side, you could be startled by what you find. It will undoubtedly increase your empathy.
Don't just argue for the sake of argument. As long as you and your opponent are not arguing just to argue, the argument arose because you are not understanding each other.
Recognize that the point of an argument is to better understand the other side.
10. Be as Fluid as Water
When water is poured into a glass or a jar, it takes on that container's shape.
Bring the battle to your home field, where the opponent has no idea what's going on. You will undoubtedly lose the battle if you engage your opponent on their soil.
Play down any attempts by your opponent to lure you to their territory. If your opponent wants to dispute, don't respond with a counter-argument. Instead, say nothing and wait for the opponent to become frustrated.
Argumentators despise silence.
Only say something when you're certain of what you're going to say. It's possible that your opponent will try to antagonize you. Make sure you're not just arguing for the sake of arguing. Otherwise, just keep quiet and stay on your turf.
Patience is another weapon that the opponent despises. Rep the process a few times more until the opponent concedes the argument.
11. Don't Fear To Hit Below the Belt
This is a psychological strategy in which the opponent believes they are winning the war. As a result, the opponent's guard will be lowered. Don't squander your time. By asking an unexpected question that the opponent can't answer, you can hit the opponent hard below the belt.
When your opponent begins to fumble awkwardly with the question until they have no choice but to become upset, you'll know they're frustrated.
At this point, show no mercy. Hit your opponent in the groin again and again.
When the opponent's face changes, they have nothing else to say, and they become visibly irritated, you know they're your target. Your opponent has no choice but to flee at this point.
12. Wear-Down Your Opponent
Provoke your opponent to punch in the air. If you believe your opponent is stronger than you, let them speak as much as they like. Ever heard that silence is the best defense? This is the time to use it.
Some opponents are smarter than you, but patience is the key. Patience always win against smart. Soon or later, your opponent will break. Then you move in suddenly.
13. Ask Tough Questions
You can take control of an argument by asking tough questions.
If your opponent replies calmly, then you'll know that your opponent is a tough nut to crack. In this case, ask trick questions and time your opponent and catch them unawares.
You can provoke your opponent's point of view by asking, "What evidence do you have for that claim?" or "What would happen if every nation did that?"
You can ask hypothetical questions to extend a pattern and make your opponent think, "What would happen if every nation did that?" or "What is it about this that gets you so angry?" is another question that quietly provokes your opponent.
14. Use Logic
Logic defeats even the smartest of human beings. Make use of it.
Demonstrate how one thought leads to another. Make your case and use logic to debunk your opponent's arguments. Appeal to more superior values. You can employ emotion in addition to reasoning by appealing to noble objectives that are difficult to dispute, such as "Shouldn't we all be working to make the world a better and safer place for our children?"
15. Pay Close Attention
You can't win an argument if you don't listen carefully to what your opponent is trying to say. This is where most people lose arguments. Many people are so concentrated on what they're about to say that they overlook their opponent's arguments and think they're correct.
They start speaking even when the opponent is still speaking. Big mistake. And since they think that by outshouting the opponent they're winning the argument, all they end up with is disappointment.
Preferably pay close attention. You'll notice your opponent's flaws and limitations, and you'll occasionally learn something new, which you can use against your opponent.
16. We're All Looking for The Same Thing
Can you imagine that we're all looking for the same thing? Harsh reality but actually true. We just don't know why we're arguing. We're arguing because we want to look better than our opponent in front of other people.
Arguments and clashes are caused by a lack of reciprocal, empathic understanding. People return to a self-protective posture and become judgmental when empathy is not engaged. As a result, both parties are left with a negative feeling and there is no happy ending.
17. Look for a Win-Win Situation
Have you ever wondered you could look defeated and yet win? How's that even possible?
By tricking your opponent to believe that they've won. When you let your opponent think that they've won, psychologically they feel sympathy towards you.
Be willing to consider a compromise stance that includes your primary points as well as some of your opponent's. In a boxing match, you can't win both hands, but you can win both hands in a negotiation.
18. Don't Get Too Personal
It's best to avoid making direct attacks on your opponent's lifestyle, integrity, or honesty.
Attack the problem, not the individual. If the other party attacks you, you can use the high ground by saying things like, "I'm amazed you're making personal attacks like that." Instead of smearing people, I believe it would be better if we focused on the core issue."
19. Watch Your Voice Tone and Body Language.
In an emotionally charged atmosphere, it's difficult to keep your emotions in check and maintain a neutral demeanor, especially in a highly-charged situation.
However, controlling one's emotions is crucial to winning an argument, because "it's not only about what you say, but how you say it."
In order to keep your wits high, take a deep, slow breath and speak with "confidence."
20. It's Not The End of The World
Since winning one battle might not be worth the trouble, take a step back. Live to fight another day.
Take your energy away from a losing conflict and save it for a later date. Even if you believe you still have a horse in the race, don't feel awful about giving up.
After all, what good does it do anyone to argue with someone who doesn't believe in the legitimacy of other people's thoughts and opinions? Take a step back and consider if the conclusion of the argument, regardless of who wins, will make any difference to you.
After an argument, it is still worthwhile to maintain your happiness.
3 Best Books of All Time FREE Download
How to Win an Argument: An Ancient Guide to the Art of Persuasion
Marcus Tullius Cicero
All of us are faced countless times with the challenge of persuading others, whether we're trying to win a trivial argument with a friend or convince our coworkers about an important decision. Instead of relying on untrained instinct--and often floundering or failing as a result--we'd win more arguments if we learned the timeless art of verbal persuasion, rhetoric.
How to Win an Argument gathers the rhetorical wisdom of Cicero, ancient Rome's greatest orator, from across his works and combines it with passages from his legal and political speeches to show his powerful techniques in action. The result is an enlightening and entertaining practical introduction to the secrets of persuasive speaking and writing--including strategies that are just as effective in today's offices, schools, courts, and political debates as they were in the Roman forum.
How to Win Every Argument: The Use and Abuse of Logic
Madsen Pirie
This is the book your friends will wish you hadn't read, a witty and infectious guide to arguing successfully.
Each entry deals with one fallacy, explaining what the fallacy is, giving and analyzing an example, outlining when/where/why the particular fallacy tends to occur and finally showing how you can perpetrate the fallacy on other people in order to win an argument.
Originally published to great acclaim in 1985 as "The Book of Fallacy", this is a classic brought up-to-date for a whole new generation.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie
Dale Carnegie’s effective methods to deal with people are legendary, while his wisdom has endured for a century, touching millions and millions of readers - The only diploma that hangs in Warren Buffett’s office is his certificate from Dale Carnegie Training. Lee Iacocca credits Carnegie for giving him the courage to speak in public. Dilbert creator Scott Adams called Carnegie’s teachings “life-changing”.
In today’s world, where more and more of our communication takes place across wires and screens, Carnegie’s lessons have not only lasted but become all the more critical.
Though he never could have predicted technology’s trajectory, Carnegie proves a wise and helpful teacher in this digital landscape. To demonstrate the many ways his lessons remain relevant, Dale Carnegie & Associates, Inc., has reimagined his prescriptions and his advice for this difficult digital age.
We may communicate today with different tools and with greater speed, but Carnegie’s advice on how to communicate, lead, and work efficiently remains priceless across the ages.
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